(izanagi) until i fall asleep

[MAEDA TORAO]

"w-what," torao's shaking voice echoed around his empty apartment. no, this couldn't be happening again, the worst thing that could happen was happening again. a crackling voice ricocheted around in the blond's head, "i can't do this. torao," no. the adult was frozen, his heart was suffocating, each beat felt like it was constricting tighter. slowly, he pulled the phone from his ear.

"torao. torao!"

one would probably assume that torao would be used to this by now, but the familiar feeling of loneliness crept into his skin as it prickled. a numbness seemed to surround him as he cloaked himself in a layer of shock. it really wasn't shocking. the man had a wife, it wasn't his fault that torao had seduced him. it had to end sooner or later.

so what to do now? to do what he always did when a situation like this happened. fumbling with his phone, torao called his old friend izanagi, a former kouhai and a current friend, probably the closest he had to a "best friend", regardless of their interactions. a slow break down made its way towards torao as the phone rang and rang and eventually connected to voicemail. what now, what to do now?

before torao could find his voice, he disconnected. in a frenzy, he made his way to izanagi's place, stumbling along blindly in the outdoor world, so much brighter than his dim apartment. as his eyes welled up, he reached under the doormat, pulling the spare key and shoving it in the lock. toppling through the doorway and kicking off his shoes, he staggered towards the bedroom, leaving the door open carelessly behind him.

"i-iza? i-zaaa.." wiping his eyes childishly, the blond curled up onto the cool bed, burying his face into the pillow and sobbing. this wasn't the first time this has happened, but he'd been in this specific relationship for a while now, and it hit him hard. even though torao knew going to izanagi wouldn't give him any support, it was the only place he knew where he could feel comfortable and less lonely.

[tomoe izanagi]

arriving home to see that his door was absentmindedly left open was not what izanagi was expecting. he had been off at the nearby gas station picking up some of the cheaper packages of ramen since he couldn't cook his own gourmet noodles for the life of him. before leaving, iza had just decided to leave the house without taking much of anything with him, and even his cell phone was in the living room laying carelessly on the couch. now, he didn't bother to retrieve it after he closed the door and locked it behind him.

izanagi made his way down the hallway and to the right until he reached his bedroom door, holding the bag loosely in his fingers. upon entering and seeing the mess of a blond laying on his bed, he leaned down as he dropped the bag to the floor so it wouldn't break the noodles before he had a chance to do it himself.

"when did you get here?" he asked with an accusing door as he walked into the room and away from the door. he stood near the bed, staring down at the other. izanagi pressed his lips together, unsure of how to confront him any other way for the time being until a realization struck him and he let out a slow, long sigh.

he felt the annoyance build up in his chest first and soon after came the barely noticeable sympathy. the latter didn't stay long and he reached up to rub the side of his face before trailing his hand down his cheek, following up with another sigh. iza looked up towards the ceiling before his gaze fell on the older man again. his knees rubbed against the side of the mattress as he spoke.

"senpa--" he stopped himself short. izanagi had quit referring to torao as 'senpai,' a few years ago, and it still came up sometimes, but he tried not to make a habit out of it. besides, knowing torao, he might get some weird pleasure out of hearing iza say it. the blond might think the younger teenager might actually be opening up better. "you got in another break up, didn't you." his tone was flat and didn't even sound like a question; he already knew.

"what happened this time?"

[MAEDA TORAO]

torao's weeping wails were disrupted by a voice coming from next to the bed. the rustling of grocery bags and the step of his friend was just about enough to either calm him or send him into another outburst of tears. not answering the younger boy, he instead sniffled into the mixture of tears, snot, and drool that had accumulated on the pillow his face had made home.

to be honest, tor didn't even know what he'd expected from iza. it wasn't sympathy. maybe he just needed company. he got a certain comfort whenever he was around his old friend, even if they were usually bickering. either way, the blond mumbled incoherently into the pillow, still sniffling and trying to manage his breathing in a normal pattern.

after realizing that he'd been partially ignoring izanagi, torao let out a groan. he didn't really want to tell him what happened, he just wanted to be hugged and comforted, but this was iza he was with. nodding slowly, he sat up, hiccupping and drying his salty eyes.

what to say, what to say? before he knew it, the truth came pouring into his vocabulary, still rubbing his eyes, he rambled on about how it wasn't his fault and how this specific man had been married and had a family to look after.

"i-i *hic* i didn't mean t-to do any-th-thing, b-b-ut-," pausing to let out another bout of blubbering madness. hanging his head in shame, torao brought his arms around to hug himself. anything to feel comforted, anything to help fill the constant void in his life. an inner voice in his head chided him, calling him a pathetic waste of space. what good was he if he had no one to share his happiness with?

"i-i'm just really lonely," looking up at izanagi with misery etched across his face, he seeked the other boy's warmth. just a hug. just a pat on the head. anything. it was actually quite amusing, an adult whining to a teenager about the woes of his love life. torao dropped his face into his hands, tangling his fingers into the always-tousled blond mess.

[tomoe izanagi]

"i can't hear you," he began when he heard the muffled voice. he didn't know what torao had said, but he assumed that it was probably, in his tearms, something whiny. izanagi didn't know what it was like to be in a relationship and be broken up with like the blond did. in fact, he had never dated anyone, but he wouldn't admit that. it didn't matter who it was. as far as they knew, iza was experienced.

he listened without a word once torao finally spilled, unsure of how to react. izanagi wasn't a physical guy unless it came to punching someone in the face. he couldn't offer the comfort of being touched and touching in return. contact was just something he wasn't good at, and seeing torao in this state made him uneasy even though he would never admit to it.

his expression stayed the same: serious with almost a bit of uncaring. he didn't even bother to look sympathetic. he wasn't that type of person, even though he did care about torao's feelings. he let out another long sigh for the third time that night, trying to figure out how to word his next sentence.

"you were being a dumbass." his words finally broke the silence of no speaking. all he had heard for a few minutes was tor's sobbing noises. an uneasy frown tugged at the corners of his lips. "he's married. what did you expect? surely, you couldn't have expected, oh, i don't know, fucking happily ever after."

his comments were harsh, but they were usually true. izanagi was always realistic. he didn't find the need to fantasize about things like he did when he was a little kid. he knew how he used to be. his younger self would often pretend to be a prince and, if he got the opportunity, he would force any of his childhood friends(usually torao) to play the knight that was, in his story, always by his side or rescuing his royal butt. he was a lot nicer back then.

he moved to sit on the edge of the bed near torao, but not near enough. reaching over, he grabbed his tear soaked pillow case and pulled it off of the pillow, holding it out to his old friend. "clean yourself up."

[MAEDA TORAO]

a long pause followed torao's last outburst before iza's voice emerged from the muted atmosphere. indeed, tor was being a dumbass. he was being selfish and manipulative and he needed to be smacked back to his senses by the other boy's painfully harsh, although accurate, criticizing.

".. i'm not sure," he really didn't know what he'd wanted from the man. comfort? love? company? most likely the latter. many people were aware of the fact that torao was in many obnoxiously unsuitable relationships before for that sole reason as well. yeah, he was a dumbass, yeah, he's always been one.

the bed sunk down as iza shifted over to sit by the blond. close, but not as close as tor would have like him. however, izanagi was one of the people that torao respected. he didn't like having people too clingy, and the adult tried his hardest to keep a comfortable distance.

taking a deep breath in, tor regained a little bit of composure and took the damp pillowcase from his friend. wiping his face off, he paused, his face settled comfortably in the thin cloth. sometimes torao felt so young, like he'd never changed since he was in elementary school. it was different for iza though.

when they were younger, the two played together and it was always him coming to the rescue, saving the day for the all-powerful izanagi. but the tables have begun to turn over the years, and it seemed as though the age of tor had dawned. he wasn't treated like a prince, but even if izanagi didn't treat the blond like royalty, it was apparent that he cared at least a little bit. after all, he never bothered to move the 'hidden' key that allowed tor to barge into his house.

a smile danced across the blond's lips and he lifted his face from the cool fabric. of course iza cared about him, why else would he put up with the clingy tendencies he had. torao's hands itched to hug his friend, a list of outcomes streaming through his head. the worst case scenario was that iza would get angry and hit him on the head, but it was probably worth it.

"i'm so lucky you're my friend~," scooching over to the darker haired male, tor wrapped his arms around him happily. "maybe this happened for a reason. i haven't seen you in a while," smiling, the blond rested his head on the younger male's shoulder tiredly. crying your eyes out was exhausting.

[tomoe izanagi]

izanagi stayed quiet as if he were expecting tor to say something else, but nothing came. sighing lightly, he sat up on the bed and made sure his posture was straight now that he was around the blond. it wasn't as if iza cared about that kind of stuff around everyone. no, only the ones that he constantly felt the need to impress, and his old friend was one of them, even if it would never be admitted.

he didn't know what he had been expecting. this visit was similar to all of the other ones that had ever occurred, so it wasn't as if izanagi was in a full state of shock. no, it was just that he always prepared himself for something new, only for that something to never come.

“you said it wasn't your fault,” he began again, looking over at torao with a flat expression. “but that's not true, is it?” iza didn't feel as if that needed to explained, really, especially not to an adult. he reached to push his bangs up and out of his face, holding them there before he let them drop without much of another word for a bit.

finally, he continued. “it was both of your faults, wasn't it?” he pointed out. “you knew.. you knew he was married, right? he told you, didn't he?” before he could even go on, though, he found himself forced into a slouch and an embrace.

izanagi didn't like having hands on him unless he asked for it. it was suffocating and it made him feel as if he didn't have any options. “yeah, you really are lucky.” he didn't snap at torao like he would most people, though, and instead just pushed him off of him. “now stop touching me, you pedophile.”

the words were a bit harsh, but he knew that tor was probably used to those things by now. “if you're so lonely, why don't you date someone you really know? don't you have any close friends?” he concluded. “not some random guys you meet.”

[MAEDA TORAO]

a small smile formed on torao's lips as he squeezed the other warm figure tight. he'd been ignoring the scoldings as always and instead just wanted to thank the younger boy for being there for him. chuckling softly, he was peeled away like a bandaid, quickly and slightly rough. "i'm not a pedophile!" he laughed as he fell back onto the bed lazily. to be honest, sometimes it was unnerving how quickly torao could recover from such a 'traumatic' break up. he was always such a drama queen, though.

sticking his lip out to think, the blond hesitated. he didn't really have many "friends". sure, there were old fuck buddies, but he still didn't know much about them. it seemed odd for an older male to lack so many friends, but iza was really the only one he talked to about these sorts of things. the only way he met his lovers were through his work, so maybe it'd work the same for friends? tor's brow furrowed as he tried to think of any classmates he'd kept in touch with, but by now they were all successful and had no need for his company.

as he neared his conclusion, torao sat up and looked at his friend, "the only person i really care about is you, so.." so, what are you saying? the blond paused, thinking. did iza know that already? was he trying to hint at something? no, iza definitely didn't think of him like that. if anything, he was a nuisance, so what should he say now?

"so how about we try it, huh?" before he could filter his vocabulary, torao's mouth passed ahead of his brain. no, this wasn't what he wanted, was it? blushing a fine shade of pink, he forced a laugh after a too-long uncomfortable pause. of course not, he didn't want to ruin the only friendship that truly mattered to him.

"h-haha, kidding of course! that'd be really weird, with the age difference and all.. right? then i'd really be a pedophile!" even as a joke, even torao wouldn't go this far. he'd never really come onto izanagi (sober at least), it was kind of an unspoken rule. because the boy meant so much to him, he didn't want to ruin the bond with something reckless like a fling, right?

conflicting emotions sent the blond's brain into a whirlwind. then again, who knew. maybe it could turn into something good, tor had always felt so at home and comfortable when he was with izanagi, (right now was an exception). but, that was a chance he'd never even thought about acting on. even now, just the act of him proposing the idea made him feel so foolish. the thought of iza's reaction made him nervous, and he was well aware of the fact that he'd probably just made an awkward atmosphere for the rest of the day, at least.